I Had a Still Baby at Week 38 and Chose to Survive It

Rahet Bally Team

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Written by: Mona Mokhtar

Everywhere pregnant women are expected to deliver healthy and beautiful living babies. This is how we are raised and programmed since the day our brains started registering. The appearance of the famous double lines on the pregnancy test initiates the classical motherhood guessing game show; Guess who is behind the door?

Door 1: Boy

Door 2: Girl

Door 3: Twin Boys

Door 4: Twin Girls

Door 5: A boy and a girl

If only those were options me and my fellow mommies were given. Few of us -almost 25%- opened one or both of these doors.

Door 6: Miscarriage

Door 7: Still Birth

Please do not be afraid and run away, we aren’t contagious or bad luck as many brand us. We are mommies just like you, we love our babies just as much as you do. The only difference is that we were handed the ending of the story first.

Too painful? Of course, it is, was and always will be.

Too dark? In the beginning, yes. Yet, just as the night is darkest before dawn, our hearts will light up.

Do we need help? Yes we do, and we need to tell our story to the world. We are mothers who used to be just like you, except our ears kept on waiting for our babies’ first cries which never came. We heard panic and distress instead, we heard emptiness and fear, our hearts prayed to hear this cry of life but the room was too still and quiet. We just heard the word Sorry. 

Image source: Still Standing Mag

The secret door was opened and we were pushed into it. Not by choice but by destiny. The cot turned into a coffin. The diapers were replaced with tissues to wipe our tears. The bottles are now painkillers as if anything can kill the pain. The happiest day in our lives became our worst nightmare, and there is no waking up from it.

The empty cot, the folded clothes, the wrapped gifts that won’t be opened, the sealed pacifiers, all the reminders of what could’ve been, please darling lock those away. This nightmare needs to end and the only one who can end it is YOU.

Surrounding you everywhere are mothers who have gone through the same ordeal, mommies who lost their infants from Week 20-39. All of them will assure you that life goes on -slow, dark and miserable- but it will move back to hope and pleasant happiness.

The light is this way.

Any mother who has suffered from infant loss has to believe that God only gives us tests that we can tolerate. Yes, sweet mommy, you have just been upgraded to the strongest level of tolerance there is. It is beyond labor pains and it’s beyond losing parents and pets. Nothing will compare, and no one will relate except those who have been through it.

Life moves on with a different taste, flavor, and outlook. Dive into yourself and find your strength and cry it all out. The first week, you won’t stop. The second week, your tears will gradually dry up and within a year your amazing body will have adjusted to the new upgrade.

Where is the baby? Why are you leaving empty-handed? This is not the issue! The baby is shining down on you from heaven, it never left, it just took a different form; a form where no pain or sorrow will ever touch it.

Your rainbow was just postponed for a while for when you truly are ready to receive it, it will surely come at the right time. Maybe not today or next week, but we promise you the light will come back and shine brighter than ever. Trust God and believe in his mercy and generosity. You shall be compensated beyond your wildest hopes and dreams.

Image source: Beyond Pink World

What’s positive about infant loss? Nothing seems like the right answer, I kept on searching for months for an answer until I found it.

  • You are alive. This ordeal is temporary, yet it will open your eyes to your inner strength and beauty that you never knew was present within you.
  • Your husband will shower you with love in this tough period, you will find a new bond that takes ages for couples to build.
  • You have information about what went wrong, use it to help other mothers to avoid such tragedy. You will be surprised by how happy you will be if you helped a mommy avoid such fate.

We can’t change the past, but we can live our lives and spread love until we meet our lost ones once again.

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